I used to be obsessed with my own creativity. Sometimes I still am. It’s that feeling that there is no room for other people’s feelings, thoughts, creations. I need to lock myself in a box and obsess.

But lately I really enjoy other people’s creativity, relishing in the experience of receptivity.

Loosening my grip- letting life breathe into me.

Off to go to a play reading, after receiving a short play written by my uncle in my inbox.

Maybe I’ll write tonight…I’ve made a deadline for myself, and for some reason I do not want to commit. Commitment doesn’t feel right right now.

Exploring, however, does.

I don’t want to spend my life chasing a dream when I know in my heart of hearts I already possess everything I need. My true dream is to be happy, eat healthy foods, connect with people I love, and help others. I want this more than I want fame or money- but I also like to feel innovative, sexy, bold, daring, dangerous. Where this all fits together is TBD.

#I’minmy20’s

#dealwithit

A real human is somebody who feels and who expresses his or her feelings. This may sound easy. It isn’t.

A lot of people think or believe or know what they feel—-but that’s thinking or believing or knowing: not feeling. And being real is feeling—-not just knowing or believing or thinking.

Almost anybody can learn to think or believe or know, but it’s very difficult to learn to feel. Why? Because whenever you think or you believe or you know, you’re a lot of other people: but the moment you feel, you’re nobody - but - yourself.

To be nobody - but -yourself— in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else—means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.

As for communicating nobody-but-yourself to others, that means working just a little harder than anybody who isn’t real can possibly imagine. Why?

Because nothing is quite as easy as just being just like somebody else. We all of us do exactly this nearly all of the time—and whenever we do it, we are not real.

If, at the end of your first ten or fifteen years of fighting and working and feeling, you find you’ve loved just once with a nobody-but-yourself heart, you”ll be very lucky indeed.

And so my advice to all young people who wish to become real is: do something easy, like dreaming of freedom—unless you’re ready to commit yourself to feel and work and fight till you die.

xxxxxxx,

hi. i just wanted to get back to you. i thought you were good, but i
ended up going with someone else for the role. thanks again for coming
out to the audition.

thanks,

xxxx

I wrote this the last time my heart was broken- back in 2010. Still rings true.

Heart Break, the Illness

You can go to the movies,
laugh at a diner, fold your clothes,
make progress in your job,
work out, stay out,
redirect conversations,
get a hair-cut,
buy organic toothpaste,
eat whole foods sushi,
drink emergen-C,
look your best, seem your best-

There’s blood spotting.
Sudden moments of paralysis.
Tears that leak in your sleep.

Last drops from the shower’s head,

hours past the water’s been turned off.

Lines

I will give my love to people who love me back.

I will give my love to people who love me back.

I will give my love to people who love me back.

I will give my love to people who love me back.

I love my self first.

I love my self first.

I love my self first.

I love my self first.

I love my self.

I love my self.

I love my self.

I love my self.

I will love freely.

I will love freely.

I will love freely.

I will love freely.

My loving actions will be given to those who return them.

My loving actions will be given to those who return them.

My loving actions will be given to those who return them.

My loving actions will be given to those who return them.

i.e.,:

I will not tell my ex-boyfriend that I still love him.

I will not pray for him to recognize my light

(despite that I pray for him to recognize my light)

I will pray to be loved by a man who does not require that I pray for him to love me,

because he just will.

I will love my self first.

I will love myself generously.

I will breathe.

I will feel what I am feeling.

I will smile.

I am grateful.

Repeat 1000X, or until over him. Whichever comes first.